


I Can't Forgive, nor Can I Forget.

by alstat



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bunker, F/M, Kabby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 22:41:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12285777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alstat/pseuds/alstat
Summary: Abby wakes up in the bunker and is not very happy.





	I Can't Forgive, nor Can I Forget.

**Author's Note:**

> I will warn that there is some talk about self harm. It is not very detailed but it is in this fic. It is under the 5 months part if you want to skip that section, although that section is kind of important to the plot. I am also horrible at writing conversations but the only way to get better is practice so this was written.

_**14 Hour after Praimfaya:** _

Marcus has been sitting in the chair for 14 hours. He can’t move. His entire body aches and his mind is moving too quickly. Jackson has continuously offered to watch her while he rests. Marcus cannot leave Abby. Marcus knew he needed to be there when she woke up. How else would she handle being alive and Clarke not being in the bunker? His mind spirals at the thought that he yet again couldn’t save everyone. How could Clarke be the commander of death when all Marcus did was kill people.

He is too busy wallowing in self pity to notice the slight movement of Abby’s fingers. What he does notice is the very quiet raspy voice that he could identify in a crowd full of people.

“Where am I?” Abby says as she slowly tries to get up. She is searching around the room for any clues as to why she is alive and not outside in the wave.

“Hello Abby, I’m glad you are awake! The death wave hit about 14 hours ago.” Replies Marcus as he tries to keep her from being confused.

“Wha… Why? MARCUS! I can’t do this right now. Where’s Clarke” she knows seeing Clarke can keep her mind off the fact that Marcus has completely ignored her desire to stay outside. She needed to be on the other side when the wave hit. What part of that confused him? She was dying and even if she wasn’t dying, her motivation to live was evaporating ever since the events at the lab. Why should she have to live if she doesn’t want to.

“Clarke is… Well… She decided. No, Okay, um… I’msorryAbbybutsheisnothere” Marcus says quickly because he knows this is the news that will hurt Abby the most.

“I know she isn’t here, I've been looking around the room for her. That’s why I want you to go get her. Also, when you bring her to the room, don’t bother coming in with her.”

“No Abby, I mean Clarke isn’t here at all. She didn’t make it back to the bunker. None of them did.” He tries to be direct with the information since she likes to know the facts and doesn’t like sugar coating things.

Marcus was expecting her to lash out, get angry, maybe even hit him. What he wasn’t expecting was the lack of emotion on her face. Abby sat there like a stone statue and stared at nothing. He knew that this was bad if Abby wasn’t able to convey her emotions on her face. This news had been a slice directly to her heart. Clarke was Abby’s hope and inspiration for living. Clarke was why Abby didn’t give up.

After 15 minutes, Abby finally spoke. He was glad to see her having a reaction and being able to think, but he was immediately taken back by what she said.   
“Get. Out. Don’t think about coming in ever again either. I don’t need you, and more importantly, I don’t want you.”

Now this was Marcus’ turn to be out of words. He knew he should honor her demand but he couldn’t. She needed someone here to help her get through this.

“Abby, I know you are angry, but now is not the time to push people away. Please let me stay and help you see why I couldn’t let you die. I love you. I’ll go and never come back if you want me to, but you know I could have never left you out there.”

Abby didn’t even turn her head to acknowledge he had spoken. The only sound she made was a growl that reminded him to get out before this escalated. As Marcus is opening the door, the last thing he hears from her is “You can’t let me die, but you are perfectly fine with letting everyone I love die. At least Clarke is with Jake. You should know that I loved you too, but love isn’t enough this time.”

Marcus noticed the concerned glances people were giving him since he was fighting back tears as he walked back to their.. well his, room. They were given a separate room since Marcus is an ambassador and he thought Abby would want to say with him. Once Marcus got into his room, he began sobbing as he took down the decorations and removed the flower petals he had collected before the death wave. His idea to surprise her and then propose was not going to be happening today, or ever.

Marcus knew why he had been so cold all of his life. Everyone he knew who were in love never lasted. The Ark had too many rules to allow everyone to survive. His dad had been floated, his mom was killed. Jake was killed. How could Marcus torture himself with that when he could spend his time in the guard securing the continuation of the human race? Of course Marcus didn’t regret falling in love with Abby, not that he had a choice, but he did think about how he wouldn’t be feeling this way if he had remained cold. He had to leave his room since all he thought of was his proposal and relationship being ruined.

When Marcus walks down the hallway, he notices Harper who will be on guard for the next 12 hours. He lets her off of her guard shift and assures her he can handle it. If he is working and focused on the guard, he thinks his mind won’t think of Abby. His logic was extremely wrong. A fight broke out between 2 clans but Marcus didn’t notice because he was too busy thinking about if Abby had eaten and if someone was in the room with her. He knew she would not keep up with herself, but he knew not to go in there and see her. Marcus noticed the fight once Octavia was in his face yelling at him. When he refocused, he heard Octavia telling him to get his situation with Abby fixed or get his mind off of her. He knew the Abby situation was too damaged to be fixed, so he went back to his work.

_**2 months after death wave:** _

Marcus has been working at least 18 hours a day on the guard. This is the only way he can survive without the weight of his sadness crushing him. While working, he tried to walk towards medical and glance at Abby, and every time he sees her he frowns. She looks defeated and alone. Marcus could help her feel not alone, but she made it clear that he was not needed. He was not wanted. It broke his heart to see how his decision was affecting her, but he couldn’t let her die. Didn’t she understand that he would do anything for her?

_**3 months after Praimfaya:** _

Marcus had been separating a group that was fighting when a man decided to attack him. He fell to the ground holding his nose which he knew was broken. His head was spinning and his eyes were barely staying open. He could hear others yelling and trying to get his attention, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t reply. He felt arms wrap around his legs and another set around his arms. He must be getting lifted and taken to medical. He can’t go to medical. Abby is in there. She doesn’t want to see him. This would only make her angrier. Those were his last thoughts as his vision became fully dark and he passed out.

Marcus woke up sometime later, but felt more exhausted than he did before he passed out. The memories of why he passed out rushing into his mind, but he was too busy searching for Abby. He had not been this close to her in 3 months but he wanted to see her. Jackson noticed he was awake and walked over. Marcus stopped searching and instead looked at Jackson with a question in his eyes. Jackson knew the question and replied with the last thing Marcus wanted to hear. “She’s not in here. I sent her away since I heard you were coming in. She didn’t need to see you like this and I didn’t want her fixing you. I know you are wondering, so I’ll update you on her. She is doing horrible. She can’t sleep. Won’t eat and won’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t know exactly what you did, but you need to fix it.” Marcus’ chest constricted as he explained to Jackson that he couldn’t fix it and even if he could, Abby made it quite clear, she was not to be bothered by him. He needed to stay away even if it was killing him. She deserved better than him and finally she had realized that. After Marcus finished explaining, he felt tears spilling out of his eyes. He quickly thanked Jackson and left medical.

Marcus felt the urge to find Abby and comfort her. He searched the dorms designated for females, but didn’t see her anywhere. It was only as he was returning to his room that he saw that hair that could only be hers. He jogged up to her and called out for her. Abby turned around and looked at Marcus directly in the eyes, but in her eyes, he saw nothing. It was as if they were emotionless. This was a complete contrast to her normal dark eyes that portrayed her undeniable love for him. He continued walking up to her and she stood still, but was bunched over and looking like she could barely hold herself up. Marcus went to reach his arm out to let her shift her weight to him, but his arm grazing Abby’s is what brought her back from her spacing out, and her eyes flashed multiple emotions at one time. Anger. Love. And fear. He could understand the first two emotions, but fear? He was not someone she should fear. Why was she scared of him? Marcus knew better than to chase after a woman who was clearly terrified to see him, so he walked to his room and stared at the ceiling until he finally fell asleep, with her face being the last thought on his mind.

_**5 months after death wave:** _

He knew he was turning back into Kane in small subtle ways. He thought they were small and subtle until Octavia kicks him off the guard because he needs to focus on his health and because he knocked a Trikru man out who said “Who’s going to get after that healer now that she is single? If she’s anything like Wanheda, I’m sure it will be a good time. She’ll probably even put up a fight like Wanheda always did.” Marcus knew he had no authority to knock him out, but the man was being an ass toward the only person he ever loved, and the person that she loved the most.

Marcus has been out of the guard for 5 days now. The 16 hours he spent working for the past 2 months is now used by him laying on his bed thinking about how Abby is doing and what she is working on. Every day he walks to the door of medical, but he can’t open the doors. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because she doesn’t want him to. He had not eaten in 2 days, maybe more? He isn’t sure what day it is. He didn’t want to eat. The knock on the door startled him out of his thought though as Miller came in with a tray of food and said that Octavia was forcing him to eat since no one had seen him eat and she knew he wouldn’t eat without someone forcing him. Marcus refused, which he knew was hypocritical since he would always force Abby to eat. He threw a punch toward the concrete wall and didn’t react to the pain. He had felt that too many times in the past 5 days to be surprised at the pain. When Miller saw the holes in the wall, he offered to check on Abby for him. As Marcus was saying thank you, Jackson came barging into the door, frantically yelling things in a language that was not English. Both men knew this had to be about Abby and Marcus ran out of the door.

When Marcus approaches medical, he stops and looks at Jackson for a confirmation to go inside. When Jackson nods, Marcus walks in and immediately sees Abby who looks thinner than she ever has. Abby has dark circles under her eyes, and the look of hope and happiness is no longer anywhere on her face. Next, Marcus notices that her hands and feet are tied up. He questions Jackson who replies by explaining that when he walked in to relieve her, he saw her holding a scalpel up to her right wrist with a bottle of pills and Marcus couldn’t listen to him as he continued to explain. He knew Abby had lost hope, but he didn’t think Abby would go that far, especially since she was using or was going to use pills that were already in shortage. She would never endanger other lives unless she truly had felt defeated.

He carefully moved closer to Abby and slowly put his hand out to rest on top of hers. She didn’t look up, nor did she move when he did that. Marcus took this as a step toward forgiveness, so he moved closer and sat on her bed next to her. Only then did Abby look up at him and she immediately began sobbing. Marcus put his arms around her and held tightly as she cried every tear she could until all of her energy was gone. After 45 minutes, Marcus asked if she wanted him to leave and surprisingly she shook her head no. He stayed and tried talking to her about general things, but Abby did not want to talk about anything other than what was necessary.

“Why didn’t you try to convince me to let you stay?” She asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

“I needed to listen to what you wanted since I had done a terrible job of that before and I knew that you didn’t want me around. I couldn’t force you to want me around, so I left and decided to let you live without me.”

Abby chuckled, but it was in a sarcastic tone. She lifted up her arms and said “Yeah because that worked well.” Marcus could sees small scars from where she had tried to do something but didn’t get far before stopping. His face immediately fell as he realized that he could never do anything to help this woman. He killed her husband, allowed her daughter to go out and die, and ignored her request to die on her own terms, instead of living in this world that constantly caused her pain. Abby could see where his mind was going, and for the first time in 2 months, look at him and gave him a kiss in the cheek.

“I will never forgive you for keeping me alive, but I do understand how hard it was for you to stay away. I also know that having you away from me was making me worse than having you with me would do. I’m sorry for what I said, but I need you to know that I had already said goodbye to Clarke, and I had accepted that I wouldn’t wake up. When I woke up, all I felt was anger, and it was toward you. I still feel that anger, but I think a father should at least know he is having a child”

Marcus was confused by all the information she had said at once. When did she say goodbye to Clarke? Does she want him back? He was too busy focusing on the chance that she would want him back that the last sentence didn’t even process in his mind for a few minutes. Abby knew the exact moment he realized what she had said. His face morphed into a happy confusion. Father? How was he going to be a father? All he could mutter at the moment was “father?”

Abby explained that her brain did suffer effects from Allie, but the exhaustion and sickness were from the baby. Jackson forced her to take tests since she was alive and he would do anything to keep her alive. Marcus made a mental note to thank Jackson later. She was expecting his face to light up at these words, but instead all he did was frown. “What’s wrong?” She asked with concern in her voice. All Marcus could think of is what Jackson had told him about how he had found her. “Why were you trying to end your life earlier then? If you don’t want the child, you don’t have to have it. I know you don’t want me around and that child could make you think of me, but it isn’t worth you end no your life.” He couldn’t finish his thoughts because he was trying to keep his emotions under control.

“I was not going to end my life. I still feel the pain and the darkness, even though there is a baby growing inside me. I can’t help but feel like I am replacing Clarke. Of course I want this baby, and I am glad it is yours. This has nothing to do with not wanting you. I pick up the scalpel everyday and think about making it my last day.” She pauses to roll up her sleeve where Marcus can see the small scratches. “Some days I automatically put it back down because I have to live for this child, but other days it is harder to put it down, but I have never done enough to really hurt myself. I realize what I’m doing and I put it down. I look at grabbing the scalpel each day as a memory of how I have gotten through these days so far and have been able to resist the temptation. I didn’t know Jackson was going to come in early, so I wasn’t expecting anyone to see this. The pills were there because I was doing inventory and I used this medicine on the last person I couldn’t save. She was a young girl around Clarke’s age...” Marcus knew she was going to say more, but what mattered to him, was reminding her that she didn’t have to do that anymore because he was there and he would remind her why she deserved to live. He picked her up and passionately kissed her, while pouring all of his energy into showing Abby that he was still there and would always be there. After a few minutes, Abby pulled back and looking into Marcus’ eyes with the all familiar look of hope in them. This was the first time in 5 months that her eyes had shown that and he was dedicated to keeping that look in her eyes. He was trying to think of what to say next when he heard Abby begin to speak.

“I can’t go back to the ways things were before. I don’t know if things will ever be like they were before. I can’t guarantee that my heart will ever get over the pain of losing Clarke and staying alive, but I need us to be something. I need at least friends, but I do hope that eventually it could turn into more. We need to take small steps until I feel comfortable around you again. I’m trying to look at you without seeing Clarke, but it is difficult to not picture her. It is getting easier, but I still need time. I want you to start coming around here more, even if it is just to share a meal.” Marcus was trying to hold his excitement, but it was not working. “Absolutely!” He practically yelled. “I want you to move into my room though. I know that is a huge step, but you have a child inside of you and I don’t want you or her crammed in the dorms full of women. I can go to the male dorms if you would like so that you don’t have to sleep next to me, but I need you to at least move into that room.” He made sure to call it that room to remind her he was perfectly okay with moving out and it becoming her room. She smiled and shook her head. “I will move into your room, but there is no way I am kicking you out of it. We can be together in that room. It will be exciting for you to be around as the baby grows so you can see all of the progression. Take me to our room please.” She asked in a small voice like she was suddenly afraid he wouldn’t do it. He quickly untied her and carried her back into their room.

He had plenty of space in his room for all of her stuff if she wanted to bring it. All she had was a pillow, but he assured her he would find pieces to build a crib and try to make it feel like a home since he wasn’t on the guard anymore. This meant he was able to help her often and with everything she needed, and he hoped she would remember why they were together in the first place and would want him back. He wouldn’t push her into a relationship again since he was happy enough knowing she was alive, with him, and carrying his child. He knew the road to forgiveness would be a long one, and he was ready to spend as long as it took to get to their destination.

_**5 months and 2 weeks after Praimfaya:**_   
  
The past 2 weeks had been going well for Marcus and Abby. They ate all their meals together, even when he had to bring them to medical. He would sit in medical while she worked and talk to her anytime there wasn’t anyone that needed help. He began to see her start to return to her old self and become more positive. He never thought he could be the light in someone’s life since he always saw himself as the darkness. Abby only had 3 hours left on her shift and Marcus wanted to spend every second with her so he stayed with her until her shift was done. People in the bunker smiled every time they saw them walking together because they knew Abby and Marcus were meant for each other. More often than not, they were not seen walking together, since Marcus had insisted on carrying her everywhere so she felt like the queen she was. Abby was not going to complain since her feet were beginning to swell. This baby was nothing like Clarke. She couldn't imagine what this child would be nicknamed because even the Commander of Death didn’t kick this hard.

Marcus wouldn’t set her down until she was in the bathroom and the water was turned on. He checked the water every few seconds and informed Abby when it was ready for her to get in. They had been showering together lately, not in an intimate way, but Marcus had proposed it would be easier for her if he washed her back and legs to keep her from bending over. She agreed and never opposed seeing his naked body. Abby knew he cared deeply for others but never imagined the amount of care Marcus would have while washing her or carrying her. It was as if his only purpose in life was to make Abby feel as comfortable as possible.

When their shower was over, Marcus carefully wrapped the towel around her and dried her body. He was about to pick her up to carry her to the dresser when she stopped him and assured him she could walk there herself. Abby couldn’t remember which side of the drawer was hers, but quickly remembered when she pulled out the left shelf and saw it. Of course Marcus wasn’t hiding it. They had been there since that first night, he just put them there to feel them out of sight. He couldn’t bear to look at them when Abby was so angry. He was laying on the bed waiting for her to climb on when he heard the sobs start. He ran over to her to console her, but then he realized why she was sobbing. He moved the box and the flower petals and turned her around to apologize. When she turned around, he didn't see the sadness he was expecting. Instead he saw love. He saw care. He saw happiness. Marcus still felt like he needed to explain why he had them so he told Abby about his plans the first night to ask her and hat he put them in that drawer because he couldn't look at him. He explained that he didn’t keep them there to rush her or make her feel uncomfortable. He just put them there.

Abby couldn't believe was she was hearing. Of course she would marry him if he asked. She still loved him even if she was upset at his decision. They had been doing everything together and was actually beginning to wonder if he would ever ask her. Now she knew why he had not. It wasn’t because he didn't want to, it was because he was still worried she would hate him.

Abby knew Marcus would never understand unless she did something to make her desires 100% obvious. Before he knew what was happening, she had turned around and grabbed the box. She got down on one knee and began to say what he was suppose to be saying. “Marcus Kane, I know you feel like the bad man who doesn't deserve love. You do deserve love. I am the one who doesn’t deserve your love. You saved my life and I spent 5 months avoiding you and I told you to never see me. You listened to what I wanted even if it was the hardest thing you had to do. I caused you to get crucified. I wonder how you can possibly see yourself as a bad man because whenever I see you, I see the hope that I need to survive. I would want nothing more than to be Mrs. Kane and spend the rest of my life showing you why you are a good man, and treating you as good as you treat me.”

Marcus was speechless. Had Abby really just proposed to him? He had planned that special night and he was this perfect woman who for some reason thought she was the lucky one. How could she not see that he was the one who was not good enough for her. Marcus liked to risk his life to save others, but he was not a stupid man. He knew he needed to say yes to this beautiful woman. With a testy smile, he picked her up and spun her around while kissing her everywhere his mouth could reach. He knew this would be the beginning of their book of forever and he was excited that she would be by his side for it. This moment was perfect, but he still wished Clarke could be here because he knew Abby would never be the same unless she saw Clarke.

_**6 years later:** _

They had been in the bunker for 6 years. This was a year longer than they were suppose to be. When you are trapped in a ship for 40 years, then experience the sights and sounds of earth, even one day seemed impossibly long when locked back up. Marcus knew Abby was getting worried the longer and longer they were stuck down there. She wanted Hope and Jake to experience outside and Marcus was determined to have his family outside.

The day his family would finally be outside came unexpectedly. The bunker was still trapped under rubble, but they began to hear loud sounds above them. Everyone was rushed into their beds or rooms in case this was an emergency situation. After a few hours, and the Kane family laying together like they did every night (Marcus made cribs, but Abby needed to have her family in her arms to sleep. He understood this, so it quickly became a habit for the four of them to lay together on the bed. A knock was heard on their door and the door opened before they were able to reply. Octavia came in and told Marcus he was immediately needed. Marcus had been placed back on Octavia’s ambassador list, but wouldn’t allow him to work for the guard since Abby was pregnant and they had twins to take care of. He kissed his wife and children while promising them he would be right back.

What Marcus wasn’t expecting was to be taken into the conference room and to be greeted by a group of people he knew weren’t from the bunker. These people called themselves miners and explained that someone had told them to come here and that they were on a prisoner ship that was in space until now. He knew not to assume they were all bad people since most of the 100 had proven to be decent children. He would eventually find this out because Abby had a motherly personality and over the 6 years, they had apparently adopted every one of the Skaikru children. He used to love to be alone with Abby but he had quickly gotten used to his door constantly opening and someone coming to them for advice or help. Marcus didn’t expect to be a dad or a parental role to any of these children, but he knew how hard it had been for each of them so he gladly took on the role.

After the meeting, he began helping Abby get their stuff together so they could leave the bunker. Abby was carrying Jake and Marcus had Hope. Their twins had immediately attached to the opposite parent. It was strange to see Abby in medical without Jake sitting in her office playing with medical supplies. Hope could be seen with Marcus during conference meetings and she would never leave his side. When they stepped outside, they expected to see the bright sun, the green grass, and smell the scent that was so uniquely Earth. What neither was expecting was the sight in front of them. The grass was not everywhere and only a few trees had survived Praimfaya. This was a disappointment since they had explained the concept of trees to their children, but based on seeing the children trying to drag Abby and Marcus to run around, the twins didn’t seem to mind. They had gotten into a small game of tag that the other children and adults had joined into. It was Abby’s turn to be it and she ran to tag someone. The person turned around, and Abby immediately fell to her knees and sobbed. Both of her twins ran over and were asking why she was so upset. Marcus had been searching the area around her to find out what had caused her to become sad, but that was until he locked eyes with Clarke. Clarke. Abby’s Clarke.

Abby couldn’t tell if this was a dream, or if Clarke was really here. There was no way Clarke had survived a nuclear blast. Humans cannot handle radiation at levels that are even remotely close to what they were experiencing. Clarke stood still, allowing her mom the time to process that she had survived. Before Clarke could say anything, Jake said “Hello, I’m Jake. She’s my mama. Why did you make her sad. No one is allowed to make my mommy sad.” He said as he gave his meanest stare. No one could help but laugh because Jake was too adorable to have a mean stare. Abby began to explain that she wasn’t replacing Clarke and that this had happened before the bunker, but Clarke wouldn’t let her finish before wrapping her into a hug. Clarke didn’t care that she had children with Marcus. Clarke only wanted her mom happy and if these twins could make the 6 years easier, she was glad her mom had them. Clarke couldn’t deny how cute they were and she was excited to have siblings. She learned the girl was named Hope and explained how she was their sister. Both children knew who Clarke was because Marcus and Abby had decided to tell them about Clarke ever since they were younger. Marcus couldn’t help but come up to Abby and wrap his arms around her and whisper “You’re family is together” over and over again. He knew Abby needed Clarke. He knew she was feeling more hopeful, but knew Clarke could be the final piece to making her feel whole again. In this moment, Abby didn’t think about the 6 years without Clarke or her dark thoughts that had haunted her those 6 years. All that mattered was her family and that entire family was together. She had hated not seeing Clarke for 6 years, but it was worth it to see that she was actually alive.

 

 

Here is what I think Kabby boy would look like:

https://www.123rf.com/photo_3256590_portrait-of-a-young-teen-boy-with-dark-curly-hair.html (Marcus hair, Abby's eyes, and close to Abby's face shape. He looks a lot like a younger Bellamy which was not intentional).

 

Kabby daughter:

http://photosbylittlephotography.com/blog/?p=155 (Marcus' eyes and eyebrows, his forehead and Abby's hair color and hair, just a little more curly) 

**Author's Note:**

> After I finished my video fic, I told y'all I had another fic ready and I still do, I'm just not sure if I'm going to post it. I have mixed feelings about the reactions it will receive.


End file.
